ready

I'm ready.

I will say it. I will scream it. 

I declare it.

I announce you. 

I've been found.

I will show you off.

I will wear you like a second skin.

A better fit than anything, that soul of yours.

You see my heart through the window of me ~

And know it.

I recognize you.

Because you are me.

I will hold your hand until it's no longer tangible

I will kiss you up until the last second 

and when you are gone still taste you on my lips

I will remember the story of us 

and keep it in my pocket at all times

I will take a needle and thread and 

sew up any tear in your heart.

I will repair any broken part of you

and mend you with myself.

I will loan you a heartbeat 

and borrow you a breath

when you need one.

With you I will freeze, I will unthaw, I will melt

We will leap and bound and overcome 

and forgive and live.

To the ends of the earth we'll go

I won't trail behind, I won't go on ahead

but stay by your side and match your steps with mine 

(and know that this is still not enough

for what I want for you).

Until we are gone.

Until we come back as something else.

When we find each other again,

and start all over.

Until then.

Here we go.

I announce you.

I will say it. I will scream it. I declare it.

I'm ready.

inspired by one of my favorite poems from the movie "Chelsea Walls" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NUqRK8bwhwl

2002

transparent girl

Sitting with knees bent

under a harsh light

her hand looks distorted

through the glass of water she is holding

the only annoying proof 

that yes, she really is there

and yes, she really does exist

transparent girl

feet cold on table bars

under the harsh light

her hair pulled too tightly back

she tastes a salty flavor in her mouth

irritating as it is, 

she feels,

and is aware, 

and breathes reluctantly on her own

2004

Attention!

Attention!

This is a threat!

Don't make me fall in love

with my independence again!

Because I'll do it!

Madly, crazily, head over heels, 

dangerously in love.

Obsessively, compulsively, 

I will eat it, sleep it, breath it, stalk it.

Don't leave us alone in the same room...

because I can't be trusted with it.

I can't make you promises I can't keep.

This is what you don't know! 

I'm good with it. I'm very good.

Because it's the only thing 

that always reminds me

I exist here, too.

I'm a human.

I scar. I itch. I choke. I bleed.

When the sky shifts, when the earth rumbles, 

when I begin to shake,

this is what I'm left with

This on again off again relationship - no -

torrid love affair.

And I can't promise I'll ever leave her...

2003

Life Support

In times of weakness I see my strength

I slowly fade

I barely remain

When I become my life support

Every victory, every endeavor is clearest 

When I'm ready to crumble.

Just when I've forgotten how to breath

My heart pumps harder and my blood flows faster

Wake up! 

Says my life support.

Don't forget! Remember the life you've lived!

Remember all you've done! 

In so many places, at so many ages,

at so many stages.

Grow, grow with it...

it urges me.

Don't let it beat you, let it feed you!

My life support starts to bring me back

Open your eyes...fight it, fight it!

You're getting bigger, you're growing up,

You're learning more, you're gaining confidence!

You'll pull through. For the better. 

For the better.

Run, RUN!

Victory is near!

Don't stop!

Pick up speed!

Don't look back!

Run with it, RUN WITH IT!

My life support has saved me again.

2003

here we go

here we go. one year later.

one year suspended. in the air. in clouds.

one year wiser but still not accepting

learning to at last describe myself

in a sensitive, masochistic sort of way.

destined for disruption, 

for struggle,

for intimacy.

for a constant subconscious spirit 

screaming in my ear.

wondering how it works when what you want

just isn't in the plan.

forgetting normalcy.

forgetting quiet.

never calm.

my path's a firey one.

the ground doesn't shake anymore.

i feel firmly planted.

but maybe now the sky shifts.

still a slave to something greater,

but waiting to know what it is.

hearing what my heart and spirit will never have,

and wondering what part's next...

2003

Gone Without a Trace

gone without a trace.

that was you that earth shattering night

that heart stopping defining moment

when my world, my head, my soul, my heart

were ripped out.

mixed up.

spat upon.

gone without a trace 

you were

but with you went the very marrow of my bones.

my being.

the door slammed and i saw all life

and passion and anything visceral 

sweep out underneath it.

for one week exactly you were

gone without a trace.

so out i went.

coffee i drank.

poems i wrote.

danced i did.

pot i smoked.

kisses i accepted.

people i met.

friends i consulted.

a flat tire i changed.

slept i didn't.

ate i couldn't.

all during the longest shortest

week of my existence.

all while you were

gone without a trace.

you can fill your life 

you can fill your body 

you can fill your mind

but you can't feel a goddamn thing

other than the absence ~

of you ~

gone.

without a trace.

2003

the thunder

i can't sleep. i can't eat.

The Thunder. it's here.

i've begun to cloud

with suffocating thick gray fog

The Thunder has started. in my heart.

it took over the beating

it pushed down the dreams

and holds onto my love...

it's the only thing holding my heart together

trying desperately not to let it split

into two or three or four

or shatter completely

i can't sleep. i can't eat.

you. left. me.

inexplicably. 

a part of me has died today.

i feel it rotting in me now.

in my soul and in my bones and there is nothing i can do.

i have nothing now but this.

The Thunder. 

it's here.

2003