Thursday, August 14, 2008


I'm ready.
I will say it. I will scream it. 
I declare it.
I announce you. 
I've been found.
I will show you off.
I will wear you like a second skin.
A better fit than anything, that soul of yours.
You see my heart through the window of me ~
And know it.
I recognize you.
Because you are me.
I will hold your hand until it's no longer tangible
I will kiss you up until the last second 
and when you are gone still taste you on my lips
I will remember the story of us 
and keep it in my pocket at all times
I will take a needle and thread and 
sew up any tear in your heart.
I will repair any broken part of you
and mend you with myself.
I will loan you a heartbeat 
and borrow you a breath
when you need one.
With you I will freeze, I will unthaw, I will melt
We will leap and bound and overcome 
and forgive and live.
To the ends of the earth we'll go
I won't trail behind, I won't go on ahead
but stay by your side and match your steps with mine 
(and know that this is still not enough
for what I want for you).
Until we are gone.
Until we come back as something else.
When we find each other again,
and start all over.
Until then.
Here we go.
I announce you.
I will say it. I will scream it. I declare it.
I'm ready.

inspired by one of my favorite poems from the movie "Chelsea Walls"


transparent girl

Sitting with knees bent
under a harsh light
her hand looks distorted
through the glass of water she is holding
the only annoying proof 
that yes, she really is there
and yes, she really does exist
transparent girl
feet cold on table bars
under the harsh light
her hair pulled too tightly back
she tastes a salty flavor in her mouth
irritating as it is, 
she feels,
and is aware, 
and breathes reluctantly on her own



This is a threat!
Don't make me fall in love
with my independence again!
Because I'll do it!
Madly, crazily, head over heels, 
dangerously in love.
Obsessively, compulsively, 
I will eat it, sleep it, breath it, stalk it.
Don't leave us alone in the same room...
because I can't be trusted with it.
I can't make you promises I can't keep.
This is what you don't know! 
I'm good with it. I'm very good.
Because it's the only thing 
that always reminds me
I exist here, too.
I'm a human.
I scar. I itch. I choke. I bleed.
When the sky shifts, when the earth rumbles, 
when I begin to shake,
this is what I'm left with
This on again off again relationship - no -
torrid love affair.
And I can't promise I'll ever leave her...


Life Support

In times of weakness I see my strength
I slowly fade
I barely remain
When I become my life support
Every victory, every endeavor is clearest 
When I'm ready to crumble.
Just when I've forgotten how to breath
My heart pumps harder and my blood flows faster
Wake up! 
Says my life support.
Don't forget! Remember the life you've lived!
Remember all you've done! 
In so many places, at so many ages,
at so many stages.
Grow, grow with it...
it urges me.
Don't let it beat you, let it feed you!
My life support starts to bring me back
Open your eyes...fight it, fight it!
You're getting bigger, you're growing up,
You're learning more, you're gaining confidence!
You'll pull through. For the better. 
For the better.
Run, RUN!
Victory is near!
Don't stop!
Pick up speed!
Don't look back!
Run with it, RUN WITH IT!

My life support has saved me again.


here we go

here we go. one year later.
one year suspended. in the air. in clouds.
one year wiser but still not accepting
learning to at last describe myself
in a sensitive, masochistic sort of way.
destined for disruption, 
for struggle,
for intimacy.
for a constant subconscious spirit 
screaming in my ear.
wondering how it works when what you want
just isn't in the plan.
forgetting normalcy.
forgetting quiet.
never calm.
my path's a firey one.
the ground doesn't shake anymore.
i feel firmly planted.
but maybe now the sky shifts.
still a slave to something greater,
but waiting to know what it is.
hearing what my heart and spirit will never have,
and wondering what part's next...


Gone Without a Trace

gone without a trace.
that was you that earth shattering night
that heart stopping defining moment
when my world, my head, my soul, my heart
were ripped out.
mixed up.
spat upon.
gone without a trace 
you were
but with you went the very marrow of my bones.
my being.
the door slammed and i saw all life
and passion and anything visceral 
sweep out underneath it.
for one week exactly you were
gone without a trace.
so out i went.
coffee i drank.
poems i wrote.
danced i did.
pot i smoked.
kisses i accepted.
people i met.
friends i consulted.
a flat tire i changed.
slept i didn't.
ate i couldn't.
all during the longest shortest
week of my existence.
all while you were
gone without a trace.

you can fill your life 
you can fill your body 
you can fill your mind
but you can't feel a goddamn thing
other than the absence ~
of you ~
without a trace.


the thunder

i can't sleep. i can't eat.
The Thunder. it's here.
i've begun to cloud
with suffocating thick gray fog
The Thunder has started. in my heart.
it took over the beating
it pushed down the dreams
and holds onto my love...
it's the only thing holding my heart together
trying desperately not to let it split
into two or three or four
or shatter completely

i can't sleep. i can't eat.
you. left. me.
a part of me has died today.
i feel it rotting in me now.
in my soul and in my bones and there is nothing i can do.
i have nothing now but this.
The Thunder. 
it's here.