Thursday, August 14, 2008

ready


I'm ready.
I will say it. I will scream it. 
I declare it.
I announce you. 
I've been found.
I will show you off.
I will wear you like a second skin.
A better fit than anything, that soul of yours.
You see my heart through the window of me ~
And know it.
I recognize you.
Because you are me.
I will hold your hand until it's no longer tangible
I will kiss you up until the last second 
and when you are gone still taste you on my lips
I will remember the story of us 
and keep it in my pocket at all times
I will take a needle and thread and 
sew up any tear in your heart.
I will repair any broken part of you
and mend you with myself.
I will loan you a heartbeat 
and borrow you a breath
when you need one.
With you I will freeze, I will unthaw, I will melt
We will leap and bound and overcome 
and forgive and live.
To the ends of the earth we'll go
I won't trail behind, I won't go on ahead
but stay by your side and match your steps with mine 
(and know that this is still not enough
for what I want for you).
Until we are gone.
Until we come back as something else.
When we find each other again,
and start all over.
Until then.
Here we go.
I announce you.
I will say it. I will scream it. I declare it.
I'm ready.

inspired by one of my favorite poems from the movie "Chelsea Walls" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NUqRK8bwhwl

2002


transparent girl


Sitting with knees bent
under a harsh light
her hand looks distorted
through the glass of water she is holding
the only annoying proof 
that yes, she really is there
and yes, she really does exist
transparent girl
feet cold on table bars
under the harsh light
her hair pulled too tightly back
she tastes a salty flavor in her mouth
irritating as it is, 
she feels,
and is aware, 
and breathes reluctantly on her own

2004

Attention!


Attention!
This is a threat!
Don't make me fall in love
with my independence again!
Because I'll do it!
Madly, crazily, head over heels, 
dangerously in love.
Obsessively, compulsively, 
I will eat it, sleep it, breath it, stalk it.
Don't leave us alone in the same room...
because I can't be trusted with it.
I can't make you promises I can't keep.
This is what you don't know! 
I'm good with it. I'm very good.
Because it's the only thing 
that always reminds me
I exist here, too.
I'm a human.
I scar. I itch. I choke. I bleed.
When the sky shifts, when the earth rumbles, 
when I begin to shake,
this is what I'm left with
This on again off again relationship - no -
torrid love affair.
And I can't promise I'll ever leave her...

2003

Life Support



In times of weakness I see my strength
I slowly fade
I barely remain
When I become my life support
Every victory, every endeavor is clearest 
When I'm ready to crumble.
Just when I've forgotten how to breath
My heart pumps harder and my blood flows faster
Wake up! 
Says my life support.
Don't forget! Remember the life you've lived!
Remember all you've done! 
In so many places, at so many ages,
at so many stages.
Grow, grow with it...
it urges me.
Don't let it beat you, let it feed you!
My life support starts to bring me back
Open your eyes...fight it, fight it!
You're getting bigger, you're growing up,
You're learning more, you're gaining confidence!
You'll pull through. For the better. 
For the better.
Run, RUN!
Victory is near!
Don't stop!
Pick up speed!
Don't look back!
Run with it, RUN WITH IT!

My life support has saved me again.

2003

here we go

here we go. one year later.
one year suspended. in the air. in clouds.
one year wiser but still not accepting
learning to at last describe myself
in a sensitive, masochistic sort of way.
destined for disruption, 
for struggle,
for intimacy.
for a constant subconscious spirit 
screaming in my ear.
wondering how it works when what you want
just isn't in the plan.
forgetting normalcy.
forgetting quiet.
never calm.
my path's a firey one.
the ground doesn't shake anymore.
i feel firmly planted.
but maybe now the sky shifts.
still a slave to something greater,
but waiting to know what it is.
hearing what my heart and spirit will never have,
and wondering what part's next...

2003

Gone Without a Trace

gone without a trace.
that was you that earth shattering night
that heart stopping defining moment
when my world, my head, my soul, my heart
were ripped out.
mixed up.
spat upon.
gone without a trace 
you were
but with you went the very marrow of my bones.
my being.
the door slammed and i saw all life
and passion and anything visceral 
sweep out underneath it.
for one week exactly you were
gone without a trace.
so out i went.
coffee i drank.
poems i wrote.
danced i did.
pot i smoked.
kisses i accepted.
people i met.
friends i consulted.
a flat tire i changed.
slept i didn't.
ate i couldn't.
all during the longest shortest
week of my existence.
all while you were
gone without a trace.

you can fill your life 
you can fill your body 
you can fill your mind
but you can't feel a goddamn thing
other than the absence ~
of you ~
gone.
without a trace.

2003

the thunder

i can't sleep. i can't eat.
The Thunder. it's here.
i've begun to cloud
with suffocating thick gray fog
The Thunder has started. in my heart.
it took over the beating
it pushed down the dreams
and holds onto my love...
it's the only thing holding my heart together
trying desperately not to let it split
into two or three or four
or shatter completely

i can't sleep. i can't eat.
you. left. me.
inexplicably. 
a part of me has died today.
i feel it rotting in me now.
in my soul and in my bones and there is nothing i can do.
i have nothing now but this.
The Thunder. 
it's here.

2003

sonnet


you overwhelm me and it scares me
scares me because now i can't imagine being without 
i didn't expect to love and be loved in return
(it's the greatest thing i'll ever learn)
and i feel this loves heavy blanket tucked all around
i can't get out
i can only take breaths of you
but i don't want to pull back the covers
i'm not immune to anything else 
i could possibly catch, 
could be offered by this world
that doesn't contain a spark of you
i am here
i've been caught 
i've been scared
and here i remain
having waited a lifetime for you,
for this
and now forgetting how to be without
dying slowly, beautifully,
drowning in a sea of wine and roses

2002

sonnet 2

how do i know when i love you
and how do i know when i don't
what does it say to miss you 
as much as i don't want you here
to hear you and see you,
constant in my minds eye
and loathe you for it
love you for it
angry that you occupy me
and too selfish to set you free

2002

There are those days when...


There are those days when
I feel like my steps could cause earthquakes
And then there are those days when I don't 
even trust my own two feet
so shaky
I don't have the faith to hold myself up
As I wander disconnected 
through these hazy mountains
Taunting trees 
and trapping buildings 
One unsure footed step at a time
After another
Slave driving myself to solidify
And let in
Seeing only what is not
There is no such thing as solid ground
Not even under my own two feet

2002

intuition



My head is pounding.

My body pulses.

My blood runs hot through my clenched insides.
My hands tingle and I am heavy
As I detach from myself and am sent into orbit
Into an alternate universe

You have caused this

...utterly humiliated, flushed, 
ashamed and crazed
Tingling and numb

I cannot bring myself to speak or move
I am alone
Alone with myself ~ my secrets

Memories of us fading into black and gray 
Movies in my mind

1999

game play



i list my indiscretions 
to secretly get back at you
want to build my shred of dignity
but look what i've resorted to
wanna prove to you i've done it to
i watch them pile high
but all i'm left with is regret
as i match you lie for lie

2001

the worst way to miss someone

Last night I missed you
I tried to call out to you
But you couldn't hear me over the pounding of my heart
I tried to get closer
But once again my heart was in the way
Blocking me from feeling you
Or you from me

I wanted to make love to you last night
And when I came I thought my heart would burst
As well as I
For it was moving faster than I could think
Or breathe

I am right here beside you

I cry for you

I long for you

I ache to give myself to you

But you can't see me
You can't feel me
You can't hear me
Over the 
poundingscreamingterror
of my heart

2002

limbo


visceral girl
body pierced
heavy guts and organs
dripping through 
the second story floor.
hot and waxy words 
thick poetry seeping in.
pouring out.
not a sound.
no way to tell.
limbo?
purgatory?
an apartment?

2006

brave new girl


I'm a brave new girl
In the big bad world

Or a big bad girl
In the brave new world

It tells me slow
It tells me cruel
It tells me pull

But it won't say no

The big brave girl
In the bad new world

2006

Guilt Shredder (the great destroyer)


if i could write it down in latin ~ 
so i couldn't understand it
quod me nutrit me destruit
that which nourishes me also destroys me
the great guilt shredder
how easy it was
how easy to accept 
complete denial
i couldn't wrap my head around it
so i keep asking for it to happen again
i'm so hungover from this
so sick and yet so pleased
i'll be emptied, robbed 
and left to dry
(dry out inside out)
it's what it is
we know what it is
create and deny my own hypocrisy 

2006

sky writing


you look to the stars 
and that can't be
because it's written there, 
you and me

your anchor hasn't moved away
it thought you didn't want to stay

i'll help you up so you can see
show you the way
right here, with me

no need to cry, no need to fear
let me be your strength my dear

a lovers bond we can rebuild 
if it's still the love you feel

2003

mud


i am contemplating letting myself go
to slowly and self indulgently
die of my broken heart in me,
the center of my human form,
could be my cause of death.
i can slowly fade away and 
black will spread across my vision
and since i can't eat i'll let my body feed off 
whatever fat is left until i am nothing more
than ribs and knuckles
my hair will fall out and breathing 
will be my only form of exercise 
as i lay down to die on my chosen
couch or floor.
please don't distract me...
i am laying down to die.

2004

so

so it's done
our time has come
get suckered into
fucking someone new
weed me out
forget me fast
while i work on suppressing you

2003

the bride


you left me with a ghost dress
and my love for you grows less than less
it seems this dress belongs to me
and yet it isn't meant to be

2003

...and...

and suddenly i am struck with an optimistic dagger
when i remember where the light switches are
and i slowly begin to awaken from a dark sea of dreams.
i remember it's september and that the frost that soon hits 
the ground won't hide it, just grace it.
(and when december comes i won't hide from it,
but grace it as well and wear my biggest crown on 
the twenty second.)
don't stop the momentum you've just built
i couldn't think of another possible card to play
or word to say.
and i know you can't either.
when we've restored to night after night
of the same bleary sea of dreams.
of darkness...
that swallowed our souls and spat out our hearts
and we couldn't hold on as they drifted away,
under the waves, under the stars.
but in any element, 
in any vastness,
they find their way back.
no matter how tattered, no matter how torn.
not a piece is jagged when they reconnect.
so run with this, let's run with it
and place it behind us and look ahead
not to the future, but up,
to the now, to the stars.
and remember what is and speak without words,
but only with our eyes.
and leave a trail of fire behind us.
burning.
and move faster than the speed of light.
and when we're old, read our story in the sky, 
thought up in constellations, 
and when we are gone, smile from above,
down on those then,
and breathe into them the story of us.
so reach to me now, today,
through a voice, through a start, through a feeling.
swim with me and run with me and save me
when we're drowning and help me to find shore.
beside me in the sunshine, in the lightning, in the night.
and rest with me.
and breathe with me.
and know with me...

2003

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

maybe


Maybe it's time to take what you know and let it go.
Dwelling on the past and every indiscretion,
every mistake and keeping track 
does me more harm than good.
Maybe it's time for actions to speak louder than words.
Read my body and see what I do, 
what I want and I am here. Waiting, aren't I?
Here at your finger tips. 
The edges of your thoughts. 
Deepest needs.
Desire me.
My body says
Desire me.

2004

the great love


oh it's a great love
a great love now, i say.

when it is.
when it can be.

what do i know. i wrap myself in it
and cloak myself in you and close my eyes
and sweep away.

but if and when and why you leave
happens tomorrow i can be okay.
because it's okay. it's okay now, i'll say.

when it is, when it can be, what do i know.
and i'll blanket myself in that 
and hide myself in all that is not you
and close my eyes and sweep away.

2004

california

"is this the way to California?"
she asks softly, as her soul begins to glaze
i can't go now because it's where 
i fell in love with you
it's where i was betrayed 
and where i was turned down.
turned down let down turned inside out
hung out to dry
but i can't turn around now either
with memories of you to haunt me home
or haunt me away
or remind me of you

2004

Planes

What is it about the planes?
The clarity of planes that makes me pure.
Opens me and lets me flow. 
Reminds me to feel 
and makes my creativity so sensitive.
What happens in these frequent moments in the sky?
Is it the height, the weight, the juxtaposition, the clouds?
A confinement, closterphobic.
A focus on myself. Soley. My soul. 
My head. My mind. My heart.
I remind myself I am alive. 
I feel freedom here more so than anywhere else.
Maybe because I'm not anywhere else.
I'm at an in between. Not at a destination.
I'm no longer a departure and I'm not yet an arrival.
But it's here I exist most.
I exist most.
I exist most.

2003

two




there are two smoke signals 
my lungs have clouded
they are the twin towers
(only these will stand for years to come 
and only crumble occasionally)
there are two hands
one to hold each city
but i see them freeze and crack and bleed
from the weight and from the pull
there is an apple where my heart once was
sometimes i think it might be rotting
(i think it started the day i traded it in
for my innocence)
there are two eyes and two feet
who tailor specifically to their two surroundings
there are two people in one body
(who will never be at peace)
there are two months left
until the one year anniversary 
of my two year stay 
of the one time i moved
into the second city i'd ever lived
(two should fit neatly into one)
but there are still two testaments to the holy bible
and still no balm in gilead

2003

ghostboy

ghostboy is haunting me.
i smell him on my pillow
i see him at the counter
i feel his silky hair
i sense him right beside me
i can hear him laugh

ghostboy is haunting me.
i can hear him chew his food
i sense him on the stairs
i see him on my sheets
i feel him in my shower
i smell him on my clothes

ghostboy is haunting me
i feel his arms around me
i smell him in my car
i see his shining eyes 
i hear him coming through the door
i sense his absence in all five senses

ghostboy.  either come back or get out.
ghostboy.  make me forget you ever existed 
or return to where you belong 
and make this whole again. 

2003

(golden) muse

I've got a new muse!
he invaded my heart
and took over my thoughts
and mastered my hand
and attacked the page

I've got a new muse!
who threw out the old
with a heart of gold
and a soul of dreams
a face of light
and a body of stars

I've got a new muse!
And he's brought new thoughts 
painted me pictures
and taught me new words
his style is a foreign tongue 
that has at last found it's way out of my body
and straight into eloquence ~
laced with fire
thought up in constellations 
and burning the page in passion

2002

Attempt

I want to write a poem but I don't know how.
I've never held a pen let alone formed a thought in my head.
I'm supposed to tell you how I love you
But I don't know how to feel it let alone say it.

Maybe it's because I just can't be.

I'm a drifter, I'm a nomad, 
I do not know my heart and I cannot be tamed.

I cannot keep it simple, I walk in contradictions 
and I am laced with chaos. 

So naturally, as anything I do, 
this is feeling forced.
I don't even know where I fall into 
a beginning or a middle or an end.

I want to see you all day long and when you're finally here 
I think about all that is not 
and how I should be repaid for my 
incessant worry that you'll never know.

I think how I saved your life one week ago today 
literally, physically, I held onto you, 
wrapped you in my arms as best I could 
as you lost consciousness and almost all breath.

I stayed by your side 
and still I stay 
I don't know what to do with this.
I still cannot process you.
It's 2:34 in the morning.  You are here.
But all I can do is sit and wait 
and jump at every breath 
and watch you sleep.

2002




Donor

I'll donate my blood to you
Do you want me to?
If it's the only way to be a part of you.
In you.
To stay with you forever.
To mix in with your own blood.
Don't cut yourself.
Don't hurt yourself.
Don't let me out.
I can live in your forever this way.
I'll spread myself thin for you.
But my blood is thick in you.
I will grow.
I will take you over.
I will visit your brain.
And pump your heart.
And flow to your hands
And make a home in your feet.
It will be warm here.
In you.
Living in you now.
Your body will house me
In my liquid form.
At last we'll be together.
Home.
Under one roof.
I'll donate my blood to you.
Do you want me to?

2002

pyro




Here's to wine
Here's to roses
Here's to restaurant bathrooms
and the same green sheets
Here's to my sexy mistake 
of fucking you to all of my favorite cd's
Here's to cocktails, red wine, couches and cooking
Here's to a late alarm ~ again
and sleeping 'til two ~ thanks
Here's to a hanging chinese lantern
green means calm 
and aries means pyro
here's to the poems I can't stop writing about you
here's to a lounge, to a stairwell, to a corridor, to a street
every song is a soundtrack of you
and when I cant come without seeing your face 
then here's to the house of yes
yes 
yes
so what if you never screamed my name
I never said I love you ~ don't forget
so you be him and I'll be her
in every drop of alcohol there's poison 
and every thorn pricks hard

2002

Have I?

have i just become one of those girls?
who can never let go, who can never say goodbye
who cloak insecurities and mask intuition
to avoid a little bit of pain.
to look past the danger 
and invent truths that aren't.
that never really were and never will be.

2003

Butterfly Net


I want to write a poem
but I'm not sure what about.
How to translate, transcribe,
make it tangible.

It's about those spirits. 
Those we meet and viscerally know
from another time
when you were soul sisters,
celestial twins.

And me, like those who got stuck
in the wrong plane
and only they know 
and see how hard it is to exist here.

Mornings when clawing your way out 
of your body feels like the only way 
you could possibly get a glimpse 
of what it feels like to exist.

A starburst. A starburst I am.
Feeling the constraint of being
forced into a human body
without a break.

Caught in the creators glass bottle 
and not being let out 
from time to time 
to just get a breath.

Nobody else is quite as intense
quite as sensitive or visceral...
but those who we've known before 
and feel a glimpse of spiritual safety
in their eyes.

2004

suffocation

You BASTARD!
It HURTS! It hurts so bad!
And I can't breathe and I'm restricted 
And I'm crying and I'm dying
You've ditched me. You've betrayed me.
You've denied me
And yet I cry for you?
I HURT! I hurt for you!
The sound of the pain pounding through me 
will forever be my last memory of you.
What a way to leave. To sever. To Part.
It's so LOUD in me! I cant cry out.
And for why? For what?
The hardest saddest part is realizing
you were not the soul I thought you were.
Not even a little bit.
Who the hell were you and how did I let
so much of you in and never know 
how superficial it was?
I can't BREATHE!
I can't BREATHE!
So much I want to say 
but you took away my eloquence 
and replaced it with a beer bottle.

2003

sweetnesses

let me lay on your arm
waking and bleary under masses 
of sheets and blankets up to our chins.
frost at the window ant the warmth of you near.
my face...inches from your face...
let your eyes stay closed as i study you
in the late morning light.
and have the image of your angel face 
to keep forever.
let me remember always
each eyelash, each perfect imperfection,
each breath.
and let me remain on your arm...
just each morning from here to eternity.
let me lay there. let me wake there.
let me live there. let me die there.

2003

yours, xoxo

i'm trying to amputate your
existence from my heavy heart
i move forward i move sideways
i side step you i move on
but i feel i still belong to you
i touch and am touched
i laugh i create
but i feel it spread to my sinew
to my marrow feel it seeping
i feel i still belong to you
hands don't make sense on my skin
words don't sound right to my ear
you don't haunt me anymore
because i'm good at supressing
at pretending to forget
but i feel i'm cheating you 
when someone else is in the home we once shared
i feel it's still your bed 
and i feel i still belong to you

2003

the end


This is sad and I will tell you why.
It's the beginning. 
The beginning of my falling out of love.
I've begun to realize your person is incomplete.
And not quite capable of all I once thought. 
Not quite the person I once thought I knew.
Again you ran. You betrayed. You let me down.
How many more times do I need to process 
the repercussions of what you aren't?
Each ripple pushes me a little further out to sea.
Where ironically I'm not the one who's lost.
I've just begun to look at my map.
You almost left me half a soul,
but all I see is a skeleton. Ready to crumble.
Under the weight of what used to hang there. 
A thought up, thought to be great love 
that tried to hard and damaged all 
and went to far to even see the flesh...
it blows and swings and the only thing that seems real
is the shadow beneath it.

2003

Vegas

I am burning for you in Vegas
now it's chapter two
A new start.  A new beginning.
But this time I'm aware of what it means to lose.
To leave. To say goodbye.
Now I know a new wave of feelings.
Of parting, of severing, of starting.
I've survived night one. The hardest night of all.
Scratchy white hotel sheets, too big of pillows,
and no shampoo. Cheap margaritas
and too many twinkling lights.
Not in the sky.
Now we start again. Naked, unprepared.
A new person.
Will I miss you more than I can bear?
Is it possible to live a life without you?
I've gotten so addicted...
to your taste, to your spirit, to your heart.
Or is it just one more time to move?
Away...
to forget...
feel you slip slowly...
and see you fade...
until you never were.

2003

Ophelia



Is it time to shut the door?
asks the metaphor, nevermore.

I feel simple, I feel tiny
these three diamonds are too blinding.

I'm freezing up, I can't feel my heart
is this time for us to part?

Is it time to shut the door?
asks the metaphor, nevermore.

I look in the mirror, "Do I know you?"
"Excuse me, yes, you seem familiar, too!"

I'm getting trapped in a little sacred place
I'd ask you in, but there's really no space

Is it time to shut the door?
asks the metaphor, nevermore.

It's too noisy outside where I feel safe now
you ventured into it, but I don't know how
I feel a little submerged, it's a little hard to breathe
do I find a new air pocket? Is it right to leave?

Is it time to shut the door?
asks the metaphor, nevermore.

2003

blank

it's so simplistic, my paper and pen
but i'll soon dirty it with you, with me
with an insecurity or three, 
with my head
with my hand
with a thought and an image
a picture and a creation
a lie a truth 
a fantasy a fairy tale 
of what was then and what is now
and what will be and what we are
there will be a duel there will be a joust
there will be a battle there will be a struggle
someone will fight someone suffers
someone cries and hearts are slightly torn
something dies and souls are slightly shifted

2003

the sting

the sting is in the phone calls.
or the lack thereof. the first day it doesn't ring.
not so much a parting of ways,
and turn around, and walk ahead
but a grasp is lost a memory thieved 
a shift in the soul
it's funny, how this thing works
in the opposite visceral direction
and it's too damn hard to have an absence 
to stuff, avoid, than to be.
it's in the not that lies the sting.

2003

Clocks


30 minutes to go. I wait. I hold on.
I am only alive in these moments.
In the in between a new and old.
In a little bit of pleasure, a little bit of pain.
I am visceral.

Four months to go. I wait. I hold on.
I keep it at bay not to get excited.
To not get too scared.
I don't want to know what it will really mean.
I don't want change. Don't make it tangible.

Three years to go. I wait. I hold on.
I constantly remember to forget my age.
An old soul with a young body and mind.
How do you deal with what you can't accept?

Seven hours to go. I wait. I hold on.
I stand at a precipice.
I jump. Or I turn around, running.
I accept or I forget.
I stay suspended...

2003

Ghost Girl



Ghost Girl.
I'm a shadow. I'm a shell. I'm an outline of something I once knew.
I'm just a representation.
I hide myself. I hide myself.
In smoke. In mirrors.
I am lost. I am tangled. I am tangible.
I want to feel lighter than air and thinner than life.
A little bit of sinew on a little bit of bone.
An alcoholic anorexic. Anything for a constant haze.
A bleary mind so I can keep remembering to forget.
What I was, what I housed.
A small dependent child who wanted out
but couldn't stay to play.
Get it over with, rip it out and destroy it.
I'l hardly feel a thing.
As I sink farther inward until all is gone completely. 
(Just a little bit of mass, I've found, works better in this world.)

2003

the wait.

I wait. I am waiting again.
And thinking of the sound of keys.
My heart beats match the footsteps
outside the door and pounds a little harder
each time I hear the wrong door slam.

We are all compartamentalized 
tucked and hidden to the naked eye
but what lies inside is heinous.
The perfectionist doesn't rest
and the glass is still half empty 

I compare you and contrast you
to the last life I lived
and remember nights of cosmopolitans
and wooden floors
and smile to myself knowing I left behind
teardrops all over the streets of New York 

2003

Rip



too abrupt. too abrupt.
you are never ready. you never can prepare.
who's to say if it was right or wrong.
you'll chose to say it's right.
in order to save face.
in order to force yourself to believe it was...
"for the best".

too abrupt. too abrupt.
it's always too fast. always unexpected.
(a part of you will leave, a part of you will die
a part of you will live, a part of you will fly
a part of you will sever)

too abrupt. too abrupt.
so get it over with. 
rip it out and destroy it.
because i can't brace myself. 

2003


shhh...can you hear it?


what does the voice say?
shhh...can you tell me?
shhh...can you hear it?
'cause i can't.
she's muffled to my ear.
because she lives in me.
so someone tell me please.
i don't know what she wants to say
but she's been trying for nearly twenty years 
and i still keep hearing her wrong.
i think her frequency is a pitch my ear can't hear.
but i feel her.
i can't sleep at night because she is so restless.
i try to love her.
i try to care for her
but it's hard when she doesn't let me rest,
let me be.
i move around the planet to find her home
and i still can't get it right.

2002

your story



i don't want to be your story
when you're sitting in the cafe on the corner
tucked away cozy by the window
under the dark lights

a place we've been before
but you'll pretend to forget we ever were

i don't want to be your story,
the story you tell HER of the last girl...
to touch your skin and drink your wine and dye your hair

it wouldn't be accurate ~ you could never capture me
in a word... i'd just be a character in your story

i don't want to be paraphrased or misrepresented that way.
so just let me be. punctuate me before you begin to speak.
free me by not letting me be a part of your story.
keep pretending to forget.

i'll exist in the only way i can.
in the candle flame on the table (between you)
in your melting butter
in the reflection of the mirror
in the laughs of the people around you
in your glass 
in your knife

don't make me tangible to HER 
(because I'll never be)
i don't want her to know

i don't want to be your story.

2002

something else

I want you.
I want so badly to love you
dangerously, fearlessly, with an impatient, blind soul
but I'm not from here
I'm not of here
I can't tell you this, 
but I'm something else
what you see loves
but cannot say it
it houses something greater
a soul that's been here too many times 
to let go now,.
I want to love you. I want so badly to love you.
But all I can give you is what you see.
My carrier. My barrier. 
Who lost it's key many lifetimes back 
and has not been able to reproduce another since.

2002

it hurts


it's hurting.
life's hurting me again.
i'm being pierced in the guts
with a memory. again.
of a past life
my present life
that was just lived, 
just a moment ago
but feels like it never was.
i can't breathe.
my stomach's twisting into itself again.
there's such a thing as a parallel universe
because i've seen it.
because i've lived it.
i know a boy who sits in his apartment
just like i do
on a horrible schedule he passed on to me.
too afraid of the world to fall asleep in it,
and too overwhelmed by life to wake up early.
procrastinate through the hours
so muddy. so slow. so thick.
memorizing lines.
feel worthwhile
spend your time creatively 
live an artists life.

but the tv is still on 
and i'm still awake 

it's a two hour difference
but our minds are still in tune.
not to each other but to this life.

i accidentally brought it back. 

2002

Fairy Tale...Ending



Once upon a time... 
in an isolated and unfeeling concrete jungle, 
there lived a beautiful young maiden.
High up in her tower, stayed she...
content amidst her scripts, quill and thoughts
when one day...

the clouds parted and the sun shone down upon this place!
And apples grew and songs were sung
and into this lost land of mystery 
(by metro or by stallion)
came He!
with raven hair and caramel skin 
and chocolate eyes and shoulders broad.
This was the knight her heart was stolen!

And she fled her tower, dropping scripts, quill, 
thoughts and more on her way down the castle steps.

But if only she had known that leaving her tower would be her doom!

As they rode together away and far...
farther...farthest...and farther still...
she realized his armor that had gleamed so brightly 
from rapunzels window 
was only 'round his guarded heart!

A crash was heard throughout the land,
it echoed, shattered far and wide
it was the maidens heart!

And the waters rippled from the burst 
as she shut her eyes and floated away...
down the stream went she, 
the cursed maiden
back through the lonely jungle...
and as she dreampt,
she dreampt she'd stayed up in her tower high
out of this knight's reach
and had kept her scripts, her quill, her thoughts 
and heart

and had watched it all by mirror 

inspired by Lady of Shalott www.victorianweb.org/authors/tennyson/los1.html

2002


the heart

I've spent a lifetime preparing for you.
Clearing my heart out for you.
Making your space ready.
But you aren't available to fill it.
But someone else will take it. One day.
The heart can wait.
It can listen.
It can hold out.
It can accept and it can reject.
But it makes it's own decisions 
and on it's own time.
But it will be filled.
The heart does not remain vacant forever.
A love will find it that will be the perfect size.
An exact fit.
Made to measure.
And it will feed it.
And it will grow.
And it will be satisfied.

2001

O


It starts in my toes and works it's way up
through every vein every bone every fiber
of my being
it possesses my soul and overthrows my heart
I begin to tingle as I feel it ready to burst
out of every pore
shhhh... CAN YOU HEAR IT?
If I don't say it I think I might explode 
I feel it coming getting closer
LOUDER...YOU CAN'T HEAR THIS!
It rushes to my lips and they begin to quiver 
I am suppressing. I don't say it.
But can you feel it?

I love you I love you I love you I love you 

2002

yours



take me home with you
and not for the night 
and not for the hour
but take me home
and keep me close.

wrap me up and love me there.

leave me there and let me be yours.

tend to me with the occasional kiss
and I promise I'll be satisfied.

and I'll love you back 
and I'll love you there 

to be yours for the hour 
yours for the night
yours for a life is all I want

2005

arrival


OH TO SEE IT FROM THE HEAVENS
as you crashed down upon my world!
An arrow to my heart
body of hope
purity
all that is golden
salvation
My savior

MY CHAMPION HAS ARRIVED FOR ME AT LAST!
A long life patiently awaiting you..
the magnitude of your presence
the light from your being!

how I see you,
how I SEE you! 

2005

Beautiful Beginning


I'll leave the paper and pen next to me tonight,
through the night,
because I feel there might be words...
and I'm nervous...
I'm shaking or I'm waking 
as I walk barefoot across my cold tile floor.

A coming out of hibernation I feel my bones
and begin to thaw out visceral again
(is this visceral again?)

It's been so long and I've been so scared
is my passion knocking and can I make it real,
Let it flow and write my truths...

I'm preparing now.
I was storing up.
I was enduring.
It's a beginning.
Springs awakening.

No rush no force eloquence is seeping in
or I am finally seeping out
try to breathe, learn of patience 
in my never ending growth to struggle 
to look beyond
to transform 
every win and every pain 
into Deena once again. 

2005

the girl


I want my happy ending.

I want no mistakes and no regrets 
and the lesser of two fear based decisions.

I want my chance I want my scare
I want my adventure.

I want to know what could be 
and what might have been 
and never have to ask 

what if.

So what if evil is greater 
and what will ruin me more 
to lose and leave behind?

What girl did I used to be?
What girl am I supposed to be?
Which girl did I think I'd be?
What girl am I in my dreams?

I want a great romance...

to live my life
as the romantic idealist that I'll always be.

But am I the girl who runs away
with the great storybook imperfect love?

Or do I turn my back and play the part 
of the girl who has a lifetime of saying she 
left behind her love long ago to have a career 
and this was the choice she made.

Either way both are too impossible to bear.

I want no outside forces to influence
but only the heavens to inspire 
as I blaze my trail ahead... 
now with all the burn, blaze 
and fire I can muster...

2004


The Strength of a Human

The Strength of a Human
(Everyone is beautiful at a funeral)

I sit on my floral pattern chair
completely glazed over
and straining to see over the tall man in front of me,
here at the funeral

Each time someone stumbles in 
they are met with a sympathetic, bleary eye.

To my right one row up and across the aisle 
is a woman who takes up a chair and a half
and a husband next to her who's arm never leaves her shoulders 

And I'm struck and I'm wide eyed 
at the realization and the anatomy 
of a human

And the anatomy of a human is this:
that love has no face nor shape nor name
but can and should manifest itself in all

And she's not gross and it's not absurd
it's what they've found and who they are
and the more you love something 
the more beautiful it becomes

It's overtaking and knows no mold 
no specifics, no fit.

It's here my ignorance is slapped,
and I cannot fathom the love all around me
and what it could ever feel like 
to parent a child 
or be a wife to a husband

It's here that everyone is beautiful 
everyone is pure

And what a human can endure is breathtaking...

2004

Prayer for the Weary


My heart is bleeding, bleeding
and will be bloodless soon
but i am learning, i am growing
I will heal this time, in time
feet are steady mind is shaky
but my spirit's here to stay
and i am my spirit
and whole i shall remain

2004

one day

one day he will come along
and he will read each and every word
of each and every poem.

he will want to
and he will ask me if it's okay
and know how voyeuristic 
and how precious 
and what an honor it is.

he will understand each one 
and won't be jealous or offended
or offend me with a question.

instead he'll tell me he knew that 
i would have written them down in blood,
if i could have
and i'll say yes, 
or on my very body,
or imprint them on my soul

and he'll say yes and hold them dear
and in turn hold me

2004

observations in a starbucks

A couple reunites but it does not go well.
I see a lonely old drunk trying way too hard to get or keep or hold on to 
this woman he once loved.
I can't see her face but I know she's married now
and seems to be affected by what he has to say.
I don't know if it's sincere.
It seemed like a game at first,
but I think now it's starting to get to her.
He goes outside to smoke in his old tan jacket and camouflage hat.
Staring at her through the window the entire time.
He keeps touching her, wanting to know over and over again what she's thinking 
and what she feels.
I wonder if the old love songs playing 
on the Starbucks system are getting to
and affecting them.
"You make me crazy with those eyes" he says.
As he tries to woo too hard and tell her why she shouldn't be with her husband.
I still can't see her face or read what it is she's doing here 
or why she wanted to look him up.
"I wish I knew you in a previous life" he says.
They don't seem real or sincere to me.
Maybe it's because I'm half their age 
and haven't become quite that desperate, sad or jaded just yet.

2004


you want a girl


you want a girl who's seen and not heard
heard and not seen and won't speak
or speak up

you want a girl who keeps her body tense
and won't move forward 
or reach out
or is reached to

you want a girl who stifles her image
who chokes on her soul
and glazes over her dreams 
and will deny herself her destiny

you want a beautiful exoskeleton
and a mutated suffocated inside

you want a girl who's seen and not head

2004