ready

I'm ready.

I will say it. I will scream it. 

I declare it.

I announce you. 

I've been found.

I will show you off.

I will wear you like a second skin.

A better fit than anything, that soul of yours.

You see my heart through the window of me ~

And know it.

I recognize you.

Because you are me.

I will hold your hand until it's no longer tangible

I will kiss you up until the last second 

and when you are gone still taste you on my lips

I will remember the story of us 

and keep it in my pocket at all times

I will take a needle and thread and 

sew up any tear in your heart.

I will repair any broken part of you

and mend you with myself.

I will loan you a heartbeat 

and borrow you a breath

when you need one.

With you I will freeze, I will unthaw, I will melt

We will leap and bound and overcome 

and forgive and live.

To the ends of the earth we'll go

I won't trail behind, I won't go on ahead

but stay by your side and match your steps with mine 

(and know that this is still not enough

for what I want for you).

Until we are gone.

Until we come back as something else.

When we find each other again,

and start all over.

Until then.

Here we go.

I announce you.

I will say it. I will scream it. I declare it.

I'm ready.

inspired by one of my favorite poems from the movie "Chelsea Walls" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NUqRK8bwhwl

2002

transparent girl

Sitting with knees bent

under a harsh light

her hand looks distorted

through the glass of water she is holding

the only annoying proof 

that yes, she really is there

and yes, she really does exist

transparent girl

feet cold on table bars

under the harsh light

her hair pulled too tightly back

she tastes a salty flavor in her mouth

irritating as it is, 

she feels,

and is aware, 

and breathes reluctantly on her own

2004

Attention!

Attention!

This is a threat!

Don't make me fall in love

with my independence again!

Because I'll do it!

Madly, crazily, head over heels, 

dangerously in love.

Obsessively, compulsively, 

I will eat it, sleep it, breath it, stalk it.

Don't leave us alone in the same room...

because I can't be trusted with it.

I can't make you promises I can't keep.

This is what you don't know! 

I'm good with it. I'm very good.

Because it's the only thing 

that always reminds me

I exist here, too.

I'm a human.

I scar. I itch. I choke. I bleed.

When the sky shifts, when the earth rumbles, 

when I begin to shake,

this is what I'm left with

This on again off again relationship - no -

torrid love affair.

And I can't promise I'll ever leave her...

2003

Life Support

In times of weakness I see my strength

I slowly fade

I barely remain

When I become my life support

Every victory, every endeavor is clearest 

When I'm ready to crumble.

Just when I've forgotten how to breath

My heart pumps harder and my blood flows faster

Wake up! 

Says my life support.

Don't forget! Remember the life you've lived!

Remember all you've done! 

In so many places, at so many ages,

at so many stages.

Grow, grow with it...

it urges me.

Don't let it beat you, let it feed you!

My life support starts to bring me back

Open your eyes...fight it, fight it!

You're getting bigger, you're growing up,

You're learning more, you're gaining confidence!

You'll pull through. For the better. 

For the better.

Run, RUN!

Victory is near!

Don't stop!

Pick up speed!

Don't look back!

Run with it, RUN WITH IT!

My life support has saved me again.

2003

here we go

here we go. one year later.

one year suspended. in the air. in clouds.

one year wiser but still not accepting

learning to at last describe myself

in a sensitive, masochistic sort of way.

destined for disruption, 

for struggle,

for intimacy.

for a constant subconscious spirit 

screaming in my ear.

wondering how it works when what you want

just isn't in the plan.

forgetting normalcy.

forgetting quiet.

never calm.

my path's a firey one.

the ground doesn't shake anymore.

i feel firmly planted.

but maybe now the sky shifts.

still a slave to something greater,

but waiting to know what it is.

hearing what my heart and spirit will never have,

and wondering what part's next...

2003

Gone Without a Trace

gone without a trace.

that was you that earth shattering night

that heart stopping defining moment

when my world, my head, my soul, my heart

were ripped out.

mixed up.

spat upon.

gone without a trace 

you were

but with you went the very marrow of my bones.

my being.

the door slammed and i saw all life

and passion and anything visceral 

sweep out underneath it.

for one week exactly you were

gone without a trace.

so out i went.

coffee i drank.

poems i wrote.

danced i did.

pot i smoked.

kisses i accepted.

people i met.

friends i consulted.

a flat tire i changed.

slept i didn't.

ate i couldn't.

all during the longest shortest

week of my existence.

all while you were

gone without a trace.

you can fill your life 

you can fill your body 

you can fill your mind

but you can't feel a goddamn thing

other than the absence ~

of you ~

gone.

without a trace.

2003

the thunder

i can't sleep. i can't eat.

The Thunder. it's here.

i've begun to cloud

with suffocating thick gray fog

The Thunder has started. in my heart.

it took over the beating

it pushed down the dreams

and holds onto my love...

it's the only thing holding my heart together

trying desperately not to let it split

into two or three or four

or shatter completely

i can't sleep. i can't eat.

you. left. me.

inexplicably. 

a part of me has died today.

i feel it rotting in me now.

in my soul and in my bones and there is nothing i can do.

i have nothing now but this.

The Thunder. 

it's here.

2003

sonnet

you overwhelm me and it scares me

scares me because now i can't imagine being without 

i didn't expect to love and be loved in return

(it's the greatest thing i'll ever learn)

and i feel this loves heavy blanket tucked all around

i can't get out

i can only take breaths of you

but i don't want to pull back the covers

i'm not immune to anything else 

i could possibly catch, 

could be offered by this world

that doesn't contain a spark of you

i am here

i've been caught 

i've been scared

and here i remain

having waited a lifetime for you,

for this

and now forgetting how to be without

dying slowly, beautifully,

drowning in a sea of wine and roses

2002

sonnet 2

how do i know when i love you

and how do i know when i don't

what does it say to miss you 

as much as i don't want you here

to hear you and see you,

constant in my minds eye

and loathe you for it

love you for it

angry that you occupy me

and too selfish to set you free

2002

There are those days when...

There are those days when

I feel like my steps could cause earthquakes

And then there are those days when I don't 

even trust my own two feet

so shaky

I don't have the faith to hold myself up

As I wander disconnected 

through these hazy mountains

Taunting trees 

and trapping buildings 

One unsure footed step at a time

After another

Slave driving myself to solidify

And let in

Seeing only what is not

There is no such thing as solid ground

Not even under my own two feet

2002

intuition

My head is pounding.

My body pulses.

My blood runs hot through my clenched insides.

My hands tingle and I am heavy

As I detach from myself and am sent into orbit

Into an alternate universe

You have caused this

...utterly humiliated, flushed, 

ashamed and crazed

Tingling and numb

I cannot bring myself to speak or move

I am alone

Alone with myself ~ my secrets

Memories of us fading into black and gray 

Movies in my mind

1999

game play

i list my indiscretions 

to secretly get back at you

want to build my shred of dignity

but look what i've resorted to

wanna prove to you i've done it to

i watch them pile high

but all i'm left with is regret

as i match you lie for lie

2001

the worst way to miss someone

Last night I missed you

I tried to call out to you

But you couldn't hear me over the pounding of my heart

I tried to get closer

But once again my heart was in the way

Blocking me from feeling you

Or you from me

I wanted to make love to you last night

And when I came I thought my heart would burst

As well as I

For it was moving faster than I could think

Or breathe

I am right here beside you

I cry for you

I long for you

I ache to give myself to you

But you can't see me

You can't feel me

You can't hear me

Over the 

poundingscreamingterror

of my heart

2002

limbo

visceral girl

body pierced

heavy guts and organs

dripping through 

the second story floor.

hot and waxy words 

thick poetry seeping in.

pouring out.

not a sound.

no way to tell.

limbo?

purgatory?

an apartment?

2006

brave new girl

I'm a brave new girl

In the big bad world

Or a big bad girl

In the brave new world

It tells me slow

It tells me cruel

It tells me pull

But it won't say no

The big brave girl

In the bad new world

2006

Guilt Shredder (the great destroyer)

if i could write it down in latin ~ 

so i couldn't understand it

quod me nutrit me destruit

that which nourishes me also destroys me

the great guilt shredder

how easy it was

how easy to accept 

complete denial

i couldn't wrap my head around it

so i keep asking for it to happen again

i'm so hungover from this

so sick and yet so pleased

i'll be emptied, robbed 

and left to dry

(dry out inside out)

it's what it is

we know what it is

create and deny my own hypocrisy 

2006

sky writing

you look to the stars 

and that can't be

because it's written there, 

you and me

your anchor hasn't moved away

it thought you didn't want to stay

i'll help you up so you can see

show you the way

right here, with me

no need to cry, no need to fear

let me be your strength my dear

a lovers bond we can rebuild 

if it's still the love you feel

2003

mud

i am contemplating letting myself go

to slowly and self indulgently

die of my broken heart in me,

the center of my human form,

could be my cause of death.

i can slowly fade away and 

black will spread across my vision

and since i can't eat i'll let my body feed off 

whatever fat is left until i am nothing more

than ribs and knuckles

my hair will fall out and breathing 

will be my only form of exercise 

as i lay down to die on my chosen

couch or floor.

please don't distract me...

i am laying down to die.

2004

so

so it's done

our time has come

get suckered into

fucking someone new

weed me out

forget me fast

while i work on suppressing you

2003

the bride

you left me with a ghost dress

and my love for you grows less than less

it seems this dress belongs to me

and yet it isn't meant to be

2003

...and...

and suddenly i am struck with an optimistic dagger

when i remember where the light switches are

and i slowly begin to awaken from a dark sea of dreams.

i remember it's september and that the frost that soon hits 

the ground won't hide it, just grace it.

(and when december comes i won't hide from it,

but grace it as well and wear my biggest crown on 

the twenty second.)

don't stop the momentum you've just built

i couldn't think of another possible card to play

or word to say.

and i know you can't either.

when we've restored to night after night

of the same bleary sea of dreams.

of darkness...

that swallowed our souls and spat out our hearts

and we couldn't hold on as they drifted away,

under the waves, under the stars.

but in any element, 

in any vastness,

they find their way back.

no matter how tattered, no matter how torn.

not a piece is jagged when they reconnect.

so run with this, let's run with it

and place it behind us and look ahead

not to the future, but up,

to the now, to the stars.

and remember what is and speak without words,

but only with our eyes.

and leave a trail of fire behind us.

burning.

and move faster than the speed of light.

and when we're old, read our story in the sky, 

thought up in constellations, 

and when we are gone, smile from above,

down on those then,

and breathe into them the story of us.

so reach to me now, today,

through a voice, through a start, through a feeling.

swim with me and run with me and save me

when we're drowning and help me to find shore.

beside me in the sunshine, in the lightning, in the night.

and rest with me.

and breathe with me.

and know with me...

2003

maybe

Maybe it's time to take what you know and let it go.

Dwelling on the past and every indiscretion,

every mistake and keeping track 

does me more harm than good.

Maybe it's time for actions to speak louder than words.

Read my body and see what I do, 

what I want and I am here. Waiting, aren't I?

Here at your finger tips. 

The edges of your thoughts. 

Deepest needs.

Desire me.

My body says

Desire me.

2004

the great love

oh it's a great love

a great love now, i say.

when it is.

when it can be.

what do i know. i wrap myself in it

and cloak myself in you and close my eyes

and sweep away.

but if and when and why you leave

happens tomorrow i can be okay.

because it's okay. it's okay now, i'll say.

when it is, when it can be, what do i know.

and i'll blanket myself in that 

and hide myself in all that is not you

and close my eyes and sweep away.

2004

california

"is this the way to California?"

she asks softly, as her soul begins to glaze

i can't go now because it's where 

i fell in love with you

it's where i was betrayed 

and where i was turned down.

turned down let down turned inside out

hung out to dry

but i can't turn around now either

with memories of you to haunt me home

or haunt me away

or remind me of you

2004

Planes

What is it about the planes?

The clarity of planes that makes me pure.

Opens me and lets me flow. 

Reminds me to feel 

and makes my creativity so sensitive.

What happens in these frequent moments in the sky?

Is it the height, the weight, the juxtaposition, the clouds?

A confinement, closterphobic.

A focus on myself. Soley. My soul. 

My head. My mind. My heart.

I remind myself I am alive. 

I feel freedom here more so than anywhere else.

Maybe because I'm not anywhere else.

I'm at an in between. Not at a destination.

I'm no longer a departure and I'm not yet an arrival.

But it's here I exist most.

I exist most.

I exist most.

2003

two

there are two smoke signals 

my lungs have clouded

they are the twin towers

(only these will stand for years to come 

and only crumble occasionally)

there are two hands

one to hold each city

but i see them freeze and crack and bleed

from the weight and from the pull

there is an apple where my heart once was

sometimes i think it might be rotting

(i think it started the day i traded it in

for my innocence)

there are two eyes and two feet

who tailor specifically to their two surroundings

there are two people in one body

(who will never be at peace)

there are two months left

until the one year anniversary 

of my two year stay 

of the one time i moved

into the second city i'd ever lived

(two should fit neatly into one)

but there are still two testaments to the holy bible

and still no balm in gilead

2003

ghostboy

ghostboy is haunting me.

i smell him on my pillow

i see him at the counter

i feel his silky hair

i sense him right beside me

i can hear him laugh

ghostboy is haunting me.

i can hear him chew his food

i sense him on the stairs

i see him on my sheets

i feel him in my shower

i smell him on my clothes

ghostboy is haunting me

i feel his arms around me

i smell him in my car

i see his shining eyes 

i hear him coming through the door

i sense his absence in all five senses

ghostboy.  either come back or get out.

ghostboy.  make me forget you ever existed 

or return to where you belong 

and make this whole again. 

2003

(golden) muse

I've got a new muse!

he invaded my heart

and took over my thoughts

and mastered my hand

and attacked the page

I've got a new muse!

who threw out the old

with a heart of gold

and a soul of dreams

a face of light

and a body of stars

I've got a new muse!

And he's brought new thoughts 

painted me pictures

and taught me new words

his style is a foreign tongue 

that has at last found it's way out of my body

and straight into eloquence ~

laced with fire

thought up in constellations 

and burning the page in passion

2002

Attempt

I want to write a poem but I don't know how.

I've never held a pen let alone formed a thought in my head.

I'm supposed to tell you how I love you

But I don't know how to feel it let alone say it.

Maybe it's because I just can't be.

I'm a drifter, I'm a nomad, 

I do not know my heart and I cannot be tamed.

I cannot keep it simple, I walk in contradictions 

and I am laced with chaos. 

So naturally, as anything I do, 

this is feeling forced.

I don't even know where I fall into 

a beginning or a middle or an end.

I want to see you all day long and when you're finally here 

I think about all that is not 

and how I should be repaid for my 

incessant worry that you'll never know.

I think how I saved your life one week ago today 

literally, physically, I held onto you, 

wrapped you in my arms as best I could 

as you lost consciousness and almost all breath.

I stayed by your side 

and still I stay 

I don't know what to do with this.

I still cannot process you.

It's 2:34 in the morning.  You are here.

But all I can do is sit and wait 

and jump at every breath 

and watch you sleep.

2002

Donor

I'll donate my blood to you

Do you want me to?

If it's the only way to be a part of you.

In you.

To stay with you forever.

To mix in with your own blood.

Don't cut yourself.

Don't hurt yourself.

Don't let me out.

I can live in your forever this way.

I'll spread myself thin for you.

But my blood is thick in you.

I will grow.

I will take you over.

I will visit your brain.

And pump your heart.

And flow to your hands

And make a home in your feet.

It will be warm here.

In you.

Living in you now.

Your body will house me

In my liquid form.

At last we'll be together.

Home.

Under one roof.

I'll donate my blood to you.

Do you want me to?

2002

pyro

Here's to wine

Here's to roses

Here's to restaurant bathrooms

and the same green sheets

Here's to my sexy mistake 

of fucking you to all of my favorite cd's

Here's to cocktails, red wine, couches and cooking

Here's to a late alarm ~ again

and sleeping 'til two ~ thanks

Here's to a hanging chinese lantern

green means calm 

and aries means pyro

here's to the poems I can't stop writing about you

here's to a lounge, to a stairwell, to a corridor, to a street

every song is a soundtrack of you

and when I cant come without seeing your face 

then here's to the house of yes

yes 

yes

so what if you never screamed my name

I never said I love you ~ don't forget

so you be him and I'll be her

in every drop of alcohol there's poison 

and every thorn pricks hard

2002

Have I?

have i just become one of those girls?

who can never let go, who can never say goodbye

who cloak insecurities and mask intuition

to avoid a little bit of pain.

to look past the danger 

and invent truths that aren't.

that never really were and never will be.

2003

Butterfly Net

I want to write a poem

but I'm not sure what about.

How to translate, transcribe,

make it tangible.

It's about those spirits. 

Those we meet and viscerally know

from another time

when you were soul sisters,

celestial twins.

And me, like those who got stuck

in the wrong plane

and only they know 

and see how hard it is to exist here.

Mornings when clawing your way out 

of your body feels like the only way 

you could possibly get a glimpse 

of what it feels like to exist.

A starburst. A starburst I am.

Feeling the constraint of being

forced into a human body

without a break.

Caught in the creators glass bottle 

and not being let out 

from time to time 

to just get a breath.

Nobody else is quite as intense

quite as sensitive or visceral...

but those who we've known before 

and feel a glimpse of spiritual safety

in their eyes.

2004

suffocation

You BASTARD!

It HURTS! It hurts so bad!

And I can't breathe and I'm restricted 

And I'm crying and I'm dying

You've ditched me. You've betrayed me.

You've denied me

And yet I cry for you?

I HURT! I hurt for you!

The sound of the pain pounding through me 

will forever be my last memory of you.

What a way to leave. To sever. To Part.

It's so LOUD in me! I cant cry out.

And for why? For what?

The hardest saddest part is realizing

you were not the soul I thought you were.

Not even a little bit.

Who the hell were you and how did I let

so much of you in and never know 

how superficial it was?

I can't BREATHE!

I can't BREATHE!

So much I want to say 

but you took away my eloquence 

and replaced it with a beer bottle.

2003

sweetnesses

let me lay on your arm

waking and bleary under masses 

of sheets and blankets up to our chins.

frost at the window ant the warmth of you near.

my face...inches from your face...

let your eyes stay closed as i study you

in the late morning light.

and have the image of your angel face 

to keep forever.

let me remember always

each eyelash, each perfect imperfection,

each breath.

and let me remain on your arm...

just each morning from here to eternity.

let me lay there. let me wake there.

let me live there. let me die there.

2003

yours, xoxo

i'm trying to amputate your

existence from my heavy heart

i move forward i move sideways

i side step you i move on

but i feel i still belong to you

i touch and am touched

i laugh i create

but i feel it spread to my sinew

to my marrow feel it seeping

i feel i still belong to you

hands don't make sense on my skin

words don't sound right to my ear

you don't haunt me anymore

because i'm good at supressing

at pretending to forget

but i feel i'm cheating you 

when someone else is in the home we once shared

i feel it's still your bed 

and i feel i still belong to you

2003

the end

This is sad and I will tell you why.

It's the beginning. 

The beginning of my falling out of love.

I've begun to realize your person is incomplete.

And not quite capable of all I once thought. 

Not quite the person I once thought I knew.

Again you ran. You betrayed. You let me down.

How many more times do I need to process 

the repercussions of what you aren't?

Each ripple pushes me a little further out to sea.

Where ironically I'm not the one who's lost.

I've just begun to look at my map.

You almost left me half a soul,

but all I see is a skeleton. Ready to crumble.

Under the weight of what used to hang there. 

A thought up, thought to be great love 

that tried to hard and damaged all 

and went to far to even see the flesh...

it blows and swings and the only thing that seems real

is the shadow beneath it.

2003

Vegas

I am burning for you in Vegas

now it's chapter two

A new start.  A new beginning.

But this time I'm aware of what it means to lose.

To leave. To say goodbye.

Now I know a new wave of feelings.

Of parting, of severing, of starting.

I've survived night one. The hardest night of all.

Scratchy white hotel sheets, too big of pillows,

and no shampoo. Cheap margaritas

and too many twinkling lights.

Not in the sky.

Now we start again. Naked, unprepared.

A new person.

Will I miss you more than I can bear?

Is it possible to live a life without you?

I've gotten so addicted...

to your taste, to your spirit, to your heart.

Or is it just one more time to move?

Away...

to forget...

feel you slip slowly...

and see you fade...

until you never were.

2003

Ophelia

Is it time to shut the door?

asks the metaphor, nevermore.

I feel simple, I feel tiny

these three diamonds are too blinding.

I'm freezing up, I can't feel my heart

is this time for us to part?

Is it time to shut the door?

asks the metaphor, nevermore.

I look in the mirror, "Do I know you?"

"Excuse me, yes, you seem familiar, too!"

I'm getting trapped in a little sacred place

I'd ask you in, but there's really no space

Is it time to shut the door?

asks the metaphor, nevermore.

It's too noisy outside where I feel safe now

you ventured into it, but I don't know how

I feel a little submerged, it's a little hard to breathe

do I find a new air pocket? Is it right to leave?

Is it time to shut the door?

asks the metaphor, nevermore.

2003

blank

it's so simplistic, my paper and pen

but i'll soon dirty it with you, with me

with an insecurity or three, 

with my head

with my hand

with a thought and an image

a picture and a creation

a lie a truth 

a fantasy a fairy tale 

of what was then and what is now

and what will be and what we are

there will be a duel there will be a joust

there will be a battle there will be a struggle

someone will fight someone suffers

someone cries and hearts are slightly torn

something dies and souls are slightly shifted

2003

the sting

the sting is in the phone calls.

or the lack thereof. the first day it doesn't ring.

not so much a parting of ways,

and turn around, and walk ahead

but a grasp is lost a memory thieved 

a shift in the soul

it's funny, how this thing works

in the opposite visceral direction

and it's too damn hard to have an absence 

to stuff, avoid, than to be.

it's in the not that lies the sting.

2003

Clocks

30 minutes to go. I wait. I hold on.

I am only alive in these moments.

In the in between a new and old.

In a little bit of pleasure, a little bit of pain.

I am visceral.

Four months to go. I wait. I hold on.

I keep it at bay not to get excited.

To not get too scared.

I don't want to know what it will really mean.

I don't want change. Don't make it tangible.

Three years to go. I wait. I hold on.

I constantly remember to forget my age.

An old soul with a young body and mind.

How do you deal with what you can't accept?

Seven hours to go. I wait. I hold on.

I stand at a precipice.

I jump. Or I turn around, running.

I accept or I forget.

I stay suspended...

2003

Ghost Girl

Ghost Girl.

I'm a shadow. I'm a shell. I'm an outline of something I once knew.

I'm just a representation.

I hide myself. I hide myself.

In smoke. In mirrors.

I am lost. I am tangled. I am tangible.

I want to feel lighter than air and thinner than life.

A little bit of sinew on a little bit of bone.

An alcoholic anorexic. Anything for a constant haze.

A bleary mind so I can keep remembering to forget.

What I was, what I housed.

A small dependent child who wanted out

but couldn't stay to play.

Get it over with, rip it out and destroy it.

I'l hardly feel a thing.

As I sink farther inward until all is gone completely. 

(Just a little bit of mass, I've found, works better in this world.)

2003

the wait.

I wait. I am waiting again.

And thinking of the sound of keys.

My heart beats match the footsteps

outside the door and pounds a little harder

each time I hear the wrong door slam.

We are all compartamentalized 

tucked and hidden to the naked eye

but what lies inside is heinous.

The perfectionist doesn't rest

and the glass is still half empty 

I compare you and contrast you

to the last life I lived

and remember nights of cosmopolitans

and wooden floors

and smile to myself knowing I left behind

teardrops all over the streets of New York 

2003

Rip

too abrupt. too abrupt.

you are never ready. you never can prepare.

who's to say if it was right or wrong.

you'll chose to say it's right.

in order to save face.

in order to force yourself to believe it was...

"for the best".

too abrupt. too abrupt.

it's always too fast. always unexpected.

(a part of you will leave, a part of you will die

a part of you will live, a part of you will fly

a part of you will sever)

too abrupt. too abrupt.

so get it over with. 

rip it out and destroy it.

because i can't brace myself. 

2003

shhh...can you hear it?

what does the voice say?

shhh...can you tell me?

shhh...can you hear it?

'cause i can't.

she's muffled to my ear.

because she lives in me.

so someone tell me please.

i don't know what she wants to say

but she's been trying for nearly twenty years 

and i still keep hearing her wrong.

i think her frequency is a pitch my ear can't hear.

but i feel her.

i can't sleep at night because she is so restless.

i try to love her.

i try to care for her

but it's hard when she doesn't let me rest,

let me be.

i move around the planet to find her home

and i still can't get it right.

2002

your story

i don't want to be your story

when you're sitting in the cafe on the corner

tucked away cozy by the window

under the dark lights

a place we've been before

but you'll pretend to forget we ever were

i don't want to be your story,

the story you tell HER of the last girl...

to touch your skin and drink your wine and dye your hair

it wouldn't be accurate ~ you could never capture me

in a word... i'd just be a character in your story

i don't want to be paraphrased or misrepresented that way.

so just let me be. punctuate me before you begin to speak.

free me by not letting me be a part of your story.

keep pretending to forget.

i'll exist in the only way i can.

in the candle flame on the table (between you)

in your melting butter

in the reflection of the mirror

in the laughs of the people around you

in your glass 

in your knife

don't make me tangible to HER 

(because I'll never be)

i don't want her to know

i don't want to be your story.

2002

something else

I want you.

I want so badly to love you

dangerously, fearlessly, with an impatient, blind soul

but I'm not from here

I'm not of here

I can't tell you this, 

but I'm something else

what you see loves

but cannot say it

it houses something greater

a soul that's been here too many times 

to let go now,.

I want to love you. I want so badly to love you.

But all I can give you is what you see.

My carrier. My barrier. 

Who lost it's key many lifetimes back 

and has not been able to reproduce another since.

2002

it hurts

it's hurting.

life's hurting me again.

i'm being pierced in the guts

with a memory. again.

of a past life

my present life

that was just lived, 

just a moment ago

but feels like it never was.

i can't breathe.

my stomach's twisting into itself again.

there's such a thing as a parallel universe

because i've seen it.

because i've lived it.

i know a boy who sits in his apartment

just like i do

on a horrible schedule he passed on to me.

too afraid of the world to fall asleep in it,

and too overwhelmed by life to wake up early.

procrastinate through the hours

so muddy. so slow. so thick.

memorizing lines.

feel worthwhile

spend your time creatively 

live an artists life.

but the tv is still on 

and i'm still awake 

it's a two hour difference

but our minds are still in tune.

not to each other but to this life.

i accidentally brought it back. 

2002

Fairy Tale...Ending

Once upon a time... 

in an isolated and unfeeling concrete jungle, 

there lived a beautiful young maiden.

High up in her tower, stayed she...

content amidst her scripts, quill and thoughts

when one day...

the clouds parted and the sun shone down upon this place!

And apples grew and songs were sung

and into this lost land of mystery 

(by metro or by stallion)

came He!

with raven hair and caramel skin 

and chocolate eyes and shoulders broad.

This was the knight her heart was stolen!

And she fled her tower, dropping scripts, quill, 

thoughts and more on her way down the castle steps.

But if only she had known that leaving her tower would be her doom!

As they rode together away and far...

farther...farthest...and farther still...

she realized his armor that had gleamed so brightly 

from rapunzels window 

was only 'round his guarded heart!

A crash was heard throughout the land,

it echoed, shattered far and wide

it was the maidens heart!

And the waters rippled from the burst 

as she shut her eyes and floated away...

down the stream went she, 

the cursed maiden

back through the lonely jungle...

and as she dreampt,

she dreampt she'd stayed up in her tower high

out of this knight's reach

and had kept her scripts, her quill, her thoughts 

and heart

and had watched it all by mirror 

inspired by Lady of Shalott www.victorianweb.org/authors/tennyson/los1.html

2002

the heart

I've spent a lifetime preparing for you.

Clearing my heart out for you.

Making your space ready.

But you aren't available to fill it.

But someone else will take it. One day.

The heart can wait.

It can listen.

It can hold out.

It can accept and it can reject.

But it makes it's own decisions 

and on it's own time.

But it will be filled.

The heart does not remain vacant forever.

A love will find it that will be the perfect size.

An exact fit.

Made to measure.

And it will feed it.

And it will grow.

And it will be satisfied.

2001

O

It starts in my toes and works it's way up

through every vein every bone every fiber

of my being

it possesses my soul and overthrows my heart

I begin to tingle as I feel it ready to burst

out of every pore

shhhh... CAN YOU HEAR IT?

If I don't say it I think I might explode 

I feel it coming getting closer

LOUDER...YOU CAN'T HEAR THIS!

It rushes to my lips and they begin to quiver 

I am suppressing. I don't say it.

But can you feel it?

I love you I love you I love you I love you 

2002

yours

take me home with you

and not for the night 

and not for the hour

but take me home

and keep me close.

wrap me up and love me there.

leave me there and let me be yours.

tend to me with the occasional kiss

and I promise I'll be satisfied.

and I'll love you back 

and I'll love you there 

to be yours for the hour 

yours for the night

yours for a life is all I want

2005

arrival

OH TO SEE IT FROM THE HEAVENS

as you crashed down upon my world!

An arrow to my heart

body of hope

purity

all that is golden

salvation

My savior

MY CHAMPION HAS ARRIVED FOR ME AT LAST!

A long life patiently awaiting you..

the magnitude of your presence

the light from your being!

how I see you,

how I SEE you! 

2005

Beautiful Beginning

I'll leave the paper and pen next to me tonight,

through the night,

because I feel there might be words...

and I'm nervous...

I'm shaking or I'm waking 

as I walk barefoot across my cold tile floor.

A coming out of hibernation I feel my bones

and begin to thaw out visceral again

(is this visceral again?)

It's been so long and I've been so scared

is my passion knocking and can I make it real,

Let it flow and write my truths...

I'm preparing now.

I was storing up.

I was enduring.

It's a beginning.

Springs awakening.

No rush no force eloquence is seeping in

or I am finally seeping out

try to breathe, learn of patience 

in my never ending growth to struggle 

to look beyond

to transform 

every win and every pain 

into Deena once again. 

2005